Second Place is First Loser

Mister Patrick James Nolan is back with a guest brog about the upcoming Oscars. He lives in LA now, so he knows better than you.

With the Academy Awards approaching faster than the opening of Paris Hilton’s orange legs, I find myself being wholeheartedly swept up into all of the pre-show tomfoolery. I have seen most of this year’s nominated films, and can make good conjecture as to what the others are all about. For instance, I saw The Reader (FUCKING BRILLIANT), but did not see Changeling (thank jeebus). Kate Winslet is easily the best actress of our generation, and one of the greatest of all time. Angelina Jolie, on QUITE the other hand, is not. If I wanted to pay $12 to see her chewing scenery to a bloody pulp in period costumes I would watch the epically horrific Original Sin. However, I WOULD pay millions to see, yet again, her cunty prune face in the audience when Winslet has yet ANOTHER win*. And I hope this time my girl Kate forgets to thank her haughty ass, because Angelina Jolie as Oscar-nominated actress makes me feel violent. Dear Angie Jo- stick to playing overdosing lesbian supermodels and crazy bitches in 1960s looney bins- it’s what works.

*Adding insult to injury, Kate Winslet almost forgot to thank Morticia-Addams-cum-heroin-addiction nee Angie Jo at the Globes, and the facials were nothing short of PRICELESS.