Monday, December 22, 2008
So in 20 years when the next batch of kids is coming to fruition and they ask their parents about the occasion of their conception, they'll be pleased to know that their entire existence is based on Mom and Dad forcing a "'tis the season" quickie between strip malls on Black Friday.
Friday, December 19, 2008
And Long Island.
She is not young, she is not pretty, and she is not real.
Better Daisys include:
The late Jennifergold Isennock
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
It's things like this that make me love love love Baltimore. As if Hampden wasn't crazy/scary/John Waters-y enough, an entire street is so devoted to Christmas and depleting the earth of its precious resources that it covers every available surface with Christmas lights. And Christmas Natty Boh cans. And Christmas tires. And Christmas garbage. And, most of all, Christmas Spirit.
I've never been a big Holiday Cheer kinda gal, but this year I'm feeling the stirrings of a little Yuletide Joy. I've listened to late 90's pop band holiday albums, decorated my house with lights and homemade wreaths and swatches and even got people some presents that I didn't purchase intending to keep them for myself.
Tonight when I'm invited into people's homes to take a look at their K-Mart Christmas trees and toothless grins I will dig down deep- -past the cynical bitch; past the corner-cutting gift giver and even past the blatant materialist-- and I will try to truly embrace the spirit of the holiday.
I will also ask where the fuck this Elf Diner is and how to get there.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
I recently saw an interview of Hugh Laurie speaking in his native British tongue... and I was unsettled. That bears no relevance to this blurb as he doesn't talk in this ad, but you can see- you know, visually- how far his acting talent has come.
Greg House can take Polaroids of me in front of fake flowers anytime. Even in the 80's.
Monday, December 15, 2008
I only recently found out I enjoy ice hockey, but it seems actress Elisha Cuthbert has known her feelings about it for some time. Apparently she is the ice-village bicycle, and when her ex-boyfriend/Dallas Stars player Sean Avery referred to her as "sloppy seconds," he got fired from the team.
This is hockey. Not fucking croquet (although I've borne witness to more than a few off-color remarks out on the links of Ruxton...). This is a game where peoples blood gets scraped out of the ice and there is an actual time-out chair. Hockey is popular because it can get violent and crude. Maybe Sean Avery shouldn't have made the comments he did, but in a sport where punching someone in the face is punishable only by a two-minute break, can the NHL not put a bitter comment into perspective?
Friday, December 12, 2008
This has got to be Sonic's moms new boyfriend. He's lazy and silly and floats in dirty bathwater all day. He gets flipped onto his back at the 1:10 mark, and immediately puts on his best "playing dead" face and just bumps and floats around the tub for a solid 4 minutes.
Sonic's mom was nowhere to be seen because she was out buying a new frock from Dress Barn and a sixer of Pabsts for their date night. "Uncle" Hedgehog was trying to get the Boones Farm and Cheeto stains out of his fur for the occasion but forgot and took a nap.
I wish I were a whitetrash hedgehog.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
I dig it how she only acknowledges one of her sons. She drops the others hand to start awkwardly cooing to the one she likes, but messes up and mumbles what sounds like the wrong name. It's okay, y'all! She'll git it reeeeeal soon.
I also like how she neglects to wish seasons greetings to the Jews and those who celebrate Kwanzaa/Boxing Day. Christians Rock!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
I implore you to watch the Old Prospector, Get off the Shed, Robert Goulet and Harry Carrey...you'll laugh, you'll cry... you'll wonder why Blades of Glory exists.
(PS...if you don't like Elf than I don't like you.)
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Other benefits include a non-committal relationship based on a mutual agreement that work/friends/everything else comes before each other; you'll get a GREAT reference letter out of it; no rent-no bills-free car; and if you play your cards right, you can bag a smart rich guy. Which will give you plenty of things to talk about while you're...I dunno... taking the ol' Leer Jet out for a spin. (dammit I just talked myself into it)
Ahh, the Sugar Daddy. The world can be yours for just one soul! Act now though...with the flailing economy and that pesky recession you could miss your chance!
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
--I should go...we're moving on to Win-GUI interfaces and Chinese water tourture. I'll be back tomorrow, providing Boredom and Bullets choose to let me see another day.
Monday, December 1, 2008
The foxy lady who sent me this link received a dead-on description of herself. Mine was close-ish, but I think it's only fair to grant a margin of error because I go through so many ch-ch-changes.
Like a China Girl.
Just you shut your mouth.
I found this one today. It's Details list of the most powerful 40 men/entities of 2008.
Here is another list link. This man creates lists that are each 11 entries long. Seeing as 11 is my favorite number, and lists are me and Santa's favorite way to keep track of things (like bitches, ho's, liars and cookie theives), I like this blog.
One year for Easter I was given a VHS of Mousercise. I was probably eight, and took immediate offense to the gift; Easter is for hard boiled eggs and jelly beans, not creepy exercising rodents and coked-out instructors. Despite the blow to my little fat kid ego, I accepted the gift and went to the basement to check out the tape.
After pushing all the furniture and toys out of my way for optimal movement, I hit play and started my warm up. I didn't get very far into the tape- I just remember sitting down and watching it like a movie. I'd thrown in a random arm thrust and occasionally remember to keep my head up and buttocks tight, but I was fascinated by the kids in the tape.
How did they get to be on this tape?? I imagined that their moms were friends with Kellyn, the instructor, but knowing now how fucked up Disney is, these kids were probably cryogenically frozen and then thawed out for the duration of filming. I always thought the girl in front was a bitch, and possibly an equine enthusiast, and I always felt especially compassionate toward the chubby, un-coordinated red-faced girl in the back. Her sweatshirt was tragic, she obviously didn't rehearse and she most certainly didn't give a shit about checking her heart rate after a few intense reps of side stepping. She was the Isaac Hanson among a fleet of Taylors, and for that, I loved her.
I advise you to watch the tape for its 80's nastiness... it's pretty fantastic. If you're feeling wild, hop up and let Kellyn lead you to a tighter bod...if you're feeling nostalgic, let yourself tumble head first into Mousercise memories...and if you're feeling smug, go ahead and judge the hell out of those sad little test tube kids in unitards.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
I haven't gotten any confirmation on this yet, but it appears to be a warehouse, filled with trampolines and foam pits, where you go and jump. All over.
This place is probably a feeding ground for things I am susceptible to like ringworm and the common cold but holy CRAP would I not care about contracting lice if I could just jump until my legs buckled beneath me and my heart pounded out of my chest.
Kaitlin, TAKE ME TO JUMPWORLD.
("Oh, hey, I'm at JUMPWORLD and you're not.")
After some pretty horrific and unfounded rumors that I ate cat food in my basement apartment in college, I am loathe to post anything about awesome delicious cats and the awesome ohmygodimsalivating things they do.
This may be the video of the year, and not just because I love fancy feast. I mean cats. It combines everything anyone would ever want to see- cats, Roombas, rap music, familiar images and video clips about cats, cat ladies, treadmills, cats doing things cats don't usually do...
I'll stare at you and then other things that aren't actually moving and scratch you in your sleep for rolling over on me if you don't think this is one of the best videos of 2008. That's how much I like it.
(thanks to baltimoreriotmuseum for letting me yank this clip and also for loving gangster kitties more than nerdy dogs.)
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
I guess the only thing I love more than a House marathon on TBS is a House bashing on the internets.
("Yeah guys, thats totally Cushings.")
Monday, November 24, 2008
I have a lot of mixed feelings about this masterpiece jumping from TV to film but the series ended far before its time and I'm greedy. I obviously wouldn't want to see a half-assed butchering of the show but if Ron Howard and Mitch Hurwitz are 100% on board it would be nearly impossible to taint my memories of the Bluths.
Given my deep affinity for the show, rest assured there will be updates as Bluth-related breaking news occurs. If this year ends up seeing a black president, a turbaconducken, a new High School Musical AND an Arrested Development movie, I'll give 2008 two thumbs up and free passes to Twilight.
Friday, November 21, 2008
I won't lie and say I'm totally disgusted by this. I know I'm supposed to rant and rave about how unhealthy everyone is, and maybe its the fat kid who lives inside my heart and digestive track, but I wouldn't mind giving it a whirl. And if I just lost my entire, enormous readership because of that admission then fine. Pass the fork.
I'll post the link here, so you can see the transformation through the decades.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
It's not because I'm lazy (okay maybe I'm lazy) it's just that I never felt that wild excitement of the open road. I've perfected the art of turning the back seat into a reading/napping nest on car trips, leaving the driver(ahem, chauffeur) to keep me safe from accidents as I lounge. If I do happen to stay awake, I spend most of the time either back-seat driving, not talking, or incessantly demanding that the occupants play car games with me.
When I get behind the wheel, I turn into a psycho. I'm a stickler for rules and laws and when they are not obeyed the wrath of Hell escapes from my lips. Having the propensity to curse like a sailor anyway, a jay walker or lane changer can expect a show of wild gesticulation and a crude, horrific series of curse words from the blond chick in the green Acura.
If I am on the phone with someone, they too can expect to be inundated with my carnal reactions. I shant repeat any of my special reserve curses here, but if you ever wish to hear them, give me a ring during rush hour.
I only bring this up because after a year in the professional world, I have my first driving commute. It's only been a week but already I'm frustrated, pissy and vulgar in the car. I used to listen to NPR to keep myself occupied but seeing as the world is slowly going to shit, their reports do nothing but fan the flames of my rage. Oh, you're going to cut me off while Lakshmi Singh calmly explains the financial ruin of the United States? No, it's fine, assface. Are you actually slowly walking across the street, outside of a crossing zone while I'm legally approaching at 30 mph DURING ALL THINGS CONSIDERED?!?!?!?!
Anyway, what was I blogging about?
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
To fill the void, I've put up my own little episodal security blanket- Arrested Development. This is the beginning of my favorite episode so curl up, hunker down and imagine me staring at this without sound. (that almost rhymed.)
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
As a fair warning, I'll put up just about anything containing images of Don Draper, the words "Mad" and/or "Men," or promises of scotch-drinking for lunch.
I think we can all agree things were a lot cooler before coworkers started bitching about "harmful cigarette smoke," and "slurring in front of clients" and "sexual harrassment."
Monday, November 17, 2008
Today my mind wandered to puns. Immediately after "pun," an image of Carrot Top popped into my head. Confused, I consulted Google, found the exact image that had just flashed through my head, and posted it here.
I had TOTALLY forgotten about Chairman of the Board. I can remember laying on our gigantic Patrick the Pup from FAO Schwartz, eating a jawbreaker and watching it on repeat. Not because it was good, but because it. was. always. on.
This startling memory spawned the creation of a new (completely unproductive)list.
Most Unforgivable Movie Titles:
1. Maid in Manhattan
2. Made of Honor (seeing a trend here?)
3. Octopussy (I know its a Bond film....but come on.)
4. Me, Myself and Irene
5. Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous
6. Step Up 2: The Streets (okay, i actually love that title for its trickery, but it stays.)
7. Lucky Number Slevin.
8. The Beautician and the Beast (much like Chairman of the Board, I regretfully watched the shit out of this movie as a child.)
9. Snakes on a Plane (This movie has no poker face.)
10. Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married? (this title is self-serving, irritating and includes punctuation. If I die young, it will be from hating Tyler Perry .)
***After posting, another one came to me. I have a feeling this will happen for weeks to come.
11. Bride and Prejudice
12. Good Luck Chuck
13. Sister Act II: Back in the Habit
14. License to Wed
15. A Million to Juan
Friday, November 14, 2008
As anyone who doesn't live in Purdum, Nebraska knows, No on 8 protests are being held in all major cities tomorrow. Since we're on west coast time here in the bustling metropolis of LA, it begins at 10.30am. And what does that early start time entail?
Complimentary brunch on the buses that take the protesters from the infamous Abbey to City Hall. And like any good event, securing a seat on said transport requires reservations.
Moral of the story- Gays always do it better.
1 - At the end of the day
2 - Fairly unique
3 - I personally
4 - At this moment in time
5 - With all due respect
6 - Absolutely
7 - It's a nightmare
8 - Shouldn't of
9 - 24/7
10 - It's not rocket science
(For a more comprehensive analysis of things shitty people say, I send you here )
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Kevin Smith needs to pull the lobotomy stick out of his frontal lobe and start making GOOD films again. (We were meant to be entertained by Paris Hilton jokes, angry-black-wife jokes, poop jokes...) He basically held up a broken mirror to all Judd Apatow movies and re-filmed what he saw. (Anyone remember the pissed-off Indian boss from 40 Year Old Virgin? He's back playing the same exact character, opposite Seth Rogen.)
The only redeeming part came early with "The Mac Guy" playing a gay porn star. Which is infuriating because the mac guy playing a gay porn star should have been the worst part and instead it was the only time i laughed.
I'll end my rant here because this brog isn't about anger or movie reviews. My only intention was to get a few things off my chest about this crappy movie and to implore all of you to save the ten bucks you would have wasted on Zach and Miri and instead send it to me as a gift for awesome brogging.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
How to Bag a Democrat Election Day 2008.
As I think about the long wait ahead of me at the local elementary school, a more pointed cogitation thrusts its way past my desire for a change in that most oblong of offices- how can I pull the lever for democracy while simultaneously pulling the lever for my love life? Listed below are a few sure-fire ways to ensnare a bleeding-heart liberal:
1. While waiting in line, read any book by any Comedy Central political comedian.
2. Avoid socially-charged fashion from both ends of the spectrum, i.e. fur, hemp shoes, etc…
3. Wear your best smarty (NOT to be confused with Palin) glasses.
4. If confronted by a Conservative hate monger, engage them gently, until it becomes appropriate to whip off above-mentioned smarty (again, no Alaskan influence here) glasses and use them as a prop in your well-formed liberal argument (giving an exasperated “It just makes me sad” look post confrontation can be a crucial addition).
5. Time the exit from your voting cubby with that of your benevolent paramour- find a way to start a conversation, perhaps with something like, “Sarah Palin’s hair will certainly be deflated after tonight,” or “I hope Johnny Boy took his heart pills today.”
While these are not directions, they are guidelines. Feel free to add or subtract at will.
I thank Master Nolan for his contribution and urge you all to vote YES! to Amendment 7: Patrick James for Best Actor Oscar (or lover?) 2009.
It was my first time actually voting (in 2004 I was in Connecticut and absinteed that shit) and I was surprised by how intrusive the process was. I always imagined secluded booths constructed of corrugated wood and canvas curtains. I imagined whipping my curtain shut, chosing my candidate and then pulling some sort of giant lever that would alert someone, somewhere, that Megan Isennock had fullfilled her democratic duty, maybe to the tune of R. Kelly's "I believe I can Fly."
Instead, I found myself standing in front of a computer screen that was loosley nestled between two "dividers." Directly behind me stood other constituants, impatiently waiting in their long Precinct 24 line. (I was 23, bitches.) They were so close to me that one sneezed and I swear I felt my hair move from the germy impact. I didn't really care who saw me cast which votes (although I will not disclose that information on these holy pages,) I just hated that everyone knew how long it took me to read, decipher, re-read and finally blindly decide which pieces of legislation I wanted to change.
I'm pretty excited for my I Voted! sticker and to find out who won.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
I have a few funny (read: pathetic) notes from my childhood but none of them involve calling a hit out on some kid who's name I can't even spell. As the author so humbly pointed out to me, "there really isn't one un-noteworthy part about it."
Friday, October 24, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
I must admit, though my raise isn't terribly huge it is really great to get affirmation for the work I do.
My new goal is to make as much as Don Draper did. The flat rate he made in 1963 is about twice what I make per annum now...and I am certainly not taking inflation into consideration. Fuck, I can't even count that high. Which may explain the discrepency in our company vaule...
Oh Don, you win. You always do.
During my early teens, weekends were spent conducting "Polaroid Hanson Photo-Shoots." We would line up in front of our endless supply of posters and pose, hair in face, scowl in place. The great part was that between the grainy picture quality and the long dirty blonde hair, it was almost impossible to tell the difference between, say, Kaitlin Isennock and Zach Hanson.
(Kaitlin? Zach? What? Who?)
Sadly, things have changed. Kaitlin looks far less like a boy and Zach is now, like, a dude with a family a wife and chubby drummer arms. Taylor is still the hot one, Isaac is absolutely the Stephanie Tanner of the group and the rest of their siblings are still living in shame in their parents basement.
(Time has been good to you, Hanson.)
Anyboyband, I was incredibly excited to see this little nugget from the past. They are actually pretty great musicians and though they are uber-christian you don't really hear it in their songs. Also, Taylor totally said "DAMN" onstage and I checked and Jesus said "that shit ain't cool, man."
Maybe Hanson is more legit than we all thought.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Date: 2008-10-11, 12:52PM EDT
About 11:45AM Saturday outside of Gate A Ravens stadium, sitting there smoking a cigar, shorts, white shirt, sunglasses, 5'oclock shadow, young guy - very handsome. Caught my eye and I nodded. Very nice to see another young cigar smoker in town. This isnt really a missed connection as we didnt really connect but definitely very handsome. Not expecting a reply back but just giving a shout out. What kind of hat were you wearing? Would love to grab a coffee and have a cigar with ya! What kind of cigar were you smoking. Love Excal #1s or 1066s here. Also enjoy pipes as well as cigars.
Location: Raven's Stadium
It is unfathomable for me to think that this post could have very well gone unnoticed; lost in the abyss that is Craigslist Missed Connections. I realize that I have, on occasion, written faux ads meant to provoke and titilate my friends eager to check back in with fate...but I do solemnly swear I DID NOT WRITE THIS. (Though I will admit it is taking a lot for me to not respond on behalf of our dear cigar-smoking friend.) I have never met anyone who ACTUALLY had someone take the time to reach out and post a plea to the gods of random intervention. The only unfortunate part is that our aforementioned stogie-smoker is more the type to answer to a w4m ad, and has no evident interest in m4m. or m-on-m.
I fear I will now spend a lot more time on missed connections... cheekily writing some, sure...but my real perogative will be to play a romantical watchdog: sitting at my desk, roaming the internets, looking for familiar descriptions on behalf of my friends who may have missed their chance at love.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Maureen. Small. Spry. Spicy.
Megan. Askew. Aroused. Awake.
We welcome you to our newest endeavor. Seeing as this is the greatest procrastination tool to come out of the internets, I have to imagine there will be several bi-locational updates every day. Enjoy...assuming anyone is out there.