Tuesday, December 30, 2008


If this doesn't make you cry a little , you should get your Human Card revoked.

Ante Up

Monday, December 22, 2008

B. Virdot

This is a cool story from the NY Times:


Kind of sobering, but cool.

Christmas: Not Just for Wrapping Presents

Apparently, in these modern times most people tend to fornicate during the holiday season. Condom companies claim that their sales peak around Christmas, long weekends such as Memorial/Labor day and (oddly) Mother's day. Before the introduction of holidays, natural things like "light" and "weather" would affect copulation. Now we're so tuned into work and social lives that these annual reprieves have become both holidays and HOlidays...(get it?) Instead of feeling moved toward intimacy, couples feel forced or obligated because it is a "special" time of year.

So in 20 years when the next batch of kids is coming to fruition and they ask their parents about the occasion of their conception, they'll be pleased to know that their entire existence is based on Mom and Dad forcing a "'tis the season" quickie between strip malls on Black Friday.

It's Almost Christmas!

Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, fore-fleshing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol?

Friday, December 19, 2008

No, No, No, No, No

Apparently Baz Lurhmann bought the rights to make the next Great Gatsby movie. If he casts his mannequin muse Nicole Kidman as Daisy I will burn Australia to the ground.

And Long Island.

She is not young, she is not pretty, and she is not real.

Better Daisys include:

Zoe Deschanel
Taylor Hanson
Anna Paquin
Patrick Nolan
Phoebe Price
Kaitlin Isennock
The late Jennifergold Isennock
Tom Selleck

Step Aside, Turbaconducken

The PETA- approved alternative to fashionable fur.

Click here for a recipe that would make even this guy question God.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Boones Farm?

Or no...cherry Smirnoff.

I Found My Stigmatic Twin

Some baby in Colorado was busy being a baby and growing my stigmatic twin inside his head. My S.T developed a foot, intestines and other parts before it was cruelly yanked out by some podunk doctors.

It's a miracle I'm still alive.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Merry Christmas, Hon!

Tonight I'm going to do a drive-by in Hampden...TO LOOK AT THE MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET!!!

It's things like this that make me love love love Baltimore. As if Hampden wasn't crazy/scary/John Waters-y enough, an entire street is so devoted to Christmas and depleting the earth of its precious resources that it covers every available surface with Christmas lights. And Christmas Natty Boh cans. And Christmas tires. And Christmas garbage. And, most of all, Christmas Spirit.

I've never been a big Holiday Cheer kinda gal, but this year I'm feeling the stirrings of a little Yuletide Joy. I've listened to late 90's pop band holiday albums, decorated my house with lights and homemade wreaths and swatches and even got people some presents that I didn't purchase intending to keep them for myself.

Tonight when I'm invited into people's homes to take a look at their K-Mart Christmas trees and toothless grins I will dig down deep- -past the cynical bitch; past the corner-cutting gift giver and even past the blatant materialist-- and I will try to truly embrace the spirit of the holiday.

I will also ask where the fuck this Elf Diner is and how to get there.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

He's So Limey

I recently saw an interview of Hugh Laurie speaking in his native British tongue... and I was unsettled. That bears no relevance to this blurb as he doesn't talk in this ad, but you can see- you know, visually- how far his acting talent has come.

Greg House can take Polaroids of me in front of fake flowers anytime. Even in the 80's.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Because This Makes Sense...

I only recently found out I enjoy ice hockey, but it seems actress Elisha Cuthbert has known her feelings about it for some time. Apparently she is the ice-village bicycle, and when her ex-boyfriend/Dallas Stars player Sean Avery referred to her as "sloppy seconds," he got fired from the team.

This is hockey. Not fucking croquet (although I've borne witness to more than a few off-color remarks out on the links of Ruxton...). This is a game where peoples blood gets scraped out of the ice and there is an actual time-out chair. Hockey is popular because it can get violent and crude. Maybe Sean Avery shouldn't have made the comments he did, but in a sport where punching someone in the face is punishable only by a two-minute break, can the NHL not put a bitter comment into perspective?

Friday, December 12, 2008

Sonic's Lazy "Uncle"

This has got to be Sonic's moms new boyfriend. He's lazy and silly and floats in dirty bathwater all day. He gets flipped onto his back at the 1:10 mark, and immediately puts on his best "playing dead" face and just bumps and floats around the tub for a solid 4 minutes.

Sonic's mom was nowhere to be seen because she was out buying a new frock from Dress Barn and a sixer of Pabsts for their date night. "Uncle" Hedgehog was trying to get the Boones Farm and Cheeto stains out of his fur for the occasion but forgot and took a nap.

I wish I were a whitetrash hedgehog.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Jayden: 1, Sean Preston: 0

Britney Spears made a Christmas Greeting Video in front of an oversized tree from Sears in someone elses foyer.

I dig it how she only acknowledges one of her sons. She drops the others hand to start awkwardly cooing to the one she likes, but messes up and mumbles what sounds like the wrong name. It's okay, y'all! She'll git it reeeeeal soon.

I also like how she neglects to wish seasons greetings to the Jews and those who celebrate Kwanzaa/Boxing Day. Christians Rock!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Turn it Off, Man!

I swore I'd never do this, but I've been neglecting my duties here. I've been in and out of training sessions and, to quote a legend, it's sucking my will to live.

I pinkie swear I'll return from planet Win/WebGui by the end of the week.

I Guess It's F.B.O now...

Monday, December 8, 2008

Bring Your Green Hat!

I found this list of the best Will Ferrell skits and had to post it. I realize that his career has turned into a long, painful one-note string (D minor, I believe) but he really is funny. I tried to find his SNL audition tape but it appears to be hiding from me. (If you want to see comedic genius, buy The Best of Will Ferrell on DVD and check out his impersonation of a business-man-turned-cat.)

I implore you to watch the Old Prospector, Get off the Shed, Robert Goulet and Harry Carrey...you'll laugh, you'll cry... you'll wonder why Blades of Glory exists.

(PS...if you don't like Elf than I don't like you.)

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

W Seeking R.M

This story (blog entry?) from the Daily Beast has inspired me. I'm not really sure why I should schlep through life with my dismal paycheck and Target wardrobe when I could be dashing off to Paris and enjoying spa weekends.

Other benefits include a non-committal relationship based on a mutual agreement that work/friends/everything else comes before each other; you'll get a GREAT reference letter out of it; no rent-no bills-free car; and if you play your cards right, you can bag a smart rich guy. Which will give you plenty of things to talk about while you're...I dunno... taking the ol' Leer Jet out for a spin. (dammit I just talked myself into it)

Ahh, the Sugar Daddy. The world can be yours for just one soul! Act now though...with the flailing economy and that pesky recession you could miss your chance!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Accounts Payable

Hey preasers...me and my can of pepper spray have been whisked away to beautiful East Baltimore for the day. I'm taking classes with such promising names as "Online Payment Requests" and "Travel Reimbursement Request," so I've been neglecting le brog. I've provided a visual interpretation of my excitement about being here today.
--I should go...we're moving on to Win-GUI interfaces and Chinese water tourture. I'll be back tomorrow, providing Boredom and Bullets choose to let me see another day.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Bowie's In Space

Astrology is always a good time. Go to this link to find your rising suns and planets and descending pop icons and fashion statements.

The foxy lady who sent me this link received a dead-on description of herself. Mine was close-ish, but I think it's only fair to grant a margin of error because I go through so many ch-ch-changes.

Like a China Girl.

Just you shut your mouth.

A List

As I've mentioned before, much like the Big Guy, I'm a gigantic fan of lists.

I found this one today. It's Details list of the most powerful 40 men/entities of 2008.

Here is another list link. This man creates lists that are each 11 entries long. Seeing as 11 is my favorite number, and lists are me and Santa's favorite way to keep track of things (like bitches, ho's, liars and cookie theives), I like this blog.


One year for Easter I was given a VHS of Mousercise. I was probably eight, and took immediate offense to the gift; Easter is for hard boiled eggs and jelly beans, not creepy exercising rodents and coked-out instructors. Despite the blow to my little fat kid ego, I accepted the gift and went to the basement to check out the tape.

After pushing all the furniture and toys out of my way for optimal movement, I hit play and started my warm up. I didn't get very far into the tape- I just remember sitting down and watching it like a movie. I'd thrown in a random arm thrust and occasionally remember to keep my head up and buttocks tight, but I was fascinated by the kids in the tape.

How did they get to be on this tape?? I imagined that their moms were friends with Kellyn, the instructor, but knowing now how fucked up Disney is, these kids were probably cryogenically frozen and then thawed out for the duration of filming. I always thought the girl in front was a bitch, and possibly an equine enthusiast, and I always felt especially compassionate toward the chubby, un-coordinated red-faced girl in the back. Her sweatshirt was tragic, she obviously didn't rehearse and she most certainly didn't give a shit about checking her heart rate after a few intense reps of side stepping. She was the Isaac Hanson among a fleet of Taylors, and for that, I loved her.

I advise you to watch the tape for its 80's nastiness... it's pretty fantastic. If you're feeling wild, hop up and let Kellyn lead you to a tighter bod...if you're feeling nostalgic, let yourself tumble head first into Mousercise memories...and if you're feeling smug, go ahead and judge the hell out of those sad little test tube kids in unitards.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008


I was just doing some sisterly stalking on facebook and came across FU$$**$*## JUMPWORLD. (I'm trying really hard not to cuss right now, which is what I do when I'm over-excited, which I am, to the max, currently.)

I haven't gotten any confirmation on this yet, but it appears to be a warehouse, filled with trampolines and foam pits, where you go and jump. All over.

This place is probably a feeding ground for things I am susceptible to like ringworm and the common cold but holy CRAP would I not care about contracting lice if I could just jump until my legs buckled beneath me and my heart pounded out of my chest.

("Oh, hey, I'm at JUMPWORLD and you're not.")

It's Like Being Inside My Head

After some pretty horrific and unfounded rumors that I ate cat food in my basement apartment in college, I am loathe to post anything about awesome delicious cats and the awesome ohmygodimsalivating things they do.

This may be the video of the year, and not just because I love fancy feast. I mean cats. It combines everything anyone would ever want to see- cats, Roombas, rap music, familiar images and video clips about cats, cat ladies, treadmills, cats doing things cats don't usually do...

I'll stare at you and then other things that aren't actually moving and scratch you in your sleep for rolling over on me if you don't think this is one of the best videos of 2008. That's how much I like it.

(thanks to baltimoreriotmuseum for letting me yank this clip and also for loving gangster kitties more than nerdy dogs.)

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

It's Cushings

I love House and I don't care that every episode is the same or that Cuddy dresses like a turbo slut or that the new doctor happens to be a 25 year old hot bisexual model or that I've seen House's atrophied leg more times than seems fair.

I guess the only thing I love more than a House marathon on TBS is a House bashing on the internets.

("Yeah guys, thats totally Cushings.")

Monday, November 24, 2008


God has great PR rep.

The Final Countdown

Borrow Busters fake hand, enjoy a few morning cocktails with Lucille and pour your heart out into Bob Loblaw's Law Blog... The Arrested Development movie might really be happening!

I have a lot of mixed feelings about this masterpiece jumping from TV to film but the series ended far before its time and I'm greedy. I obviously wouldn't want to see a half-assed butchering of the show but if Ron Howard and Mitch Hurwitz are 100% on board it would be nearly impossible to taint my memories of the Bluths.

Given my deep affinity for the show, rest assured there will be updates as Bluth-related breaking news occurs. If this year ends up seeing a black president, a turbaconducken, a new High School Musical AND an Arrested Development movie, I'll give 2008 two thumbs up and free passes to Twilight.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Turbaconducken...Not for Jews!

As if this country could get anymore gentile-y, bacontoday.com (for all your pork-related news?) posted their recipe for a Turbaconducken. It's an anti-semitic take on the original turducken- a duck cooked inside of a chicken which is cooked inside of a -wait for it- turkey.

I won't lie and say I'm totally disgusted by this. I know I'm supposed to rant and rave about how unhealthy everyone is, and maybe its the fat kid who lives inside my heart and digestive track, but I wouldn't mind giving it a whirl. And if I just lost my entire, enormous readership because of that admission then fine. Pass the fork.

Je Voudrais L'airbrushing, Sil Vous Plait

French Vogue did a series of photographs of the same model, aging her from 10 to 60. I don't mean to sound like a middle school guidance counselor on the tail-end of a messy divorce but I'm really glad I stumbled across this because it is so easy to forget that most images in magazines are nearly completely fake. It's scary that we become so accepting of this projected "norm." Also, that bastard can rot in hell if he thinks he's getting the house and the kids.

I'll post the link here, so you can see the transformation through the decades.

Thursday, November 20, 2008


Social Relevance of Reality Television and its Affect on Female Children: A Study

The Worst Day Of Their Lives - Watch more Free Videos

But Honey, Your Blood Pressure

I hate driving. I hate it and will avoid it at all costs. Even on the day I got my license, I had my dad drive home. You know that tag line: On the road of life, there are passengers and there are drivers? Guess which one I am.

It's not because I'm lazy (okay maybe I'm lazy) it's just that I never felt that wild excitement of the open road. I've perfected the art of turning the back seat into a reading/napping nest on car trips, leaving the driver(ahem, chauffeur) to keep me safe from accidents as I lounge. If I do happen to stay awake, I spend most of the time either back-seat driving, not talking, or incessantly demanding that the occupants play car games with me.

When I get behind the wheel, I turn into a psycho. I'm a stickler for rules and laws and when they are not obeyed the wrath of Hell escapes from my lips. Having the propensity to curse like a sailor anyway, a jay walker or lane changer can expect a show of wild gesticulation and a crude, horrific series of curse words from the blond chick in the green Acura.

If I am on the phone with someone, they too can expect to be inundated with my carnal reactions. I shant repeat any of my special reserve curses here, but if you ever wish to hear them, give me a ring during rush hour.

I only bring this up because after a year in the professional world, I have my first driving commute. It's only been a week but already I'm frustrated, pissy and vulgar in the car. I used to listen to NPR to keep myself occupied but seeing as the world is slowly going to shit, their reports do nothing but fan the flames of my rage. Oh, you're going to cut me off while Lakshmi Singh calmly explains the financial ruin of the United States? No, it's fine, assface. Are you actually slowly walking across the street, outside of a crossing zone while I'm legally approaching at 30 mph DURING ALL THINGS CONSIDERED?!?!?!?!

Anyway, what was I blogging about?

Wednesday, November 19, 2008


I've spent the majority of my first week at work staring at my computer screen, hitting the refresh button on wwtdd.com and watching tv shows without sound...so you'll have to forgive my recent lapse in witty commentary. My brain is understimulated.

To fill the void, I've put up my own little episodal security blanket- Arrested Development. This is the beginning of my favorite episode so curl up, hunker down and imagine me staring at this without sound. (that almost rhymed.)

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Dream Job

Holytaco made a list called "If TV Shows Had Truthful Names."

As a fair warning, I'll put up just about anything containing images of Don Draper, the words "Mad" and/or "Men," or promises of scotch-drinking for lunch.

I think we can all agree things were a lot cooler before coworkers started bitching about "harmful cigarette smoke," and "slurring in front of clients" and "sexual harrassment."

Monday, November 17, 2008

If You Play with Fire...

...you will get nunchucked.

Don't Act Like You're Not Impressed

I've watched this twice- without sound- and I totally dig it.

That's So Punny!!!

Sometimes when I get bored I like to make lists. Occasionally these lists serve an actual purpose (To Do lists, grocery lists...) but typically they bear no relevance to anything productive.

Today my mind wandered to puns. Immediately after "pun," an image of Carrot Top popped into my head. Confused, I consulted Google, found the exact image that had just flashed through my head, and posted it here.

I had TOTALLY forgotten about Chairman of the Board. I can remember laying on our gigantic Patrick the Pup from FAO Schwartz, eating a jawbreaker and watching it on repeat. Not because it was good, but because it. was. always. on.

This startling memory spawned the creation of a new (completely unproductive)list.

Most Unforgivable Movie Titles:

1. Maid in Manhattan

2. Made of Honor (seeing a trend here?)

3. Octopussy (I know its a Bond film....but come on.)

4. Me, Myself and Irene

5. Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous

6. Step Up 2: The Streets (okay, i actually love that title for its trickery, but it stays.)

7. Lucky Number Slevin.

8. The Beautician and the Beast (much like Chairman of the Board, I regretfully watched the shit out of this movie as a child.)

9. Snakes on a Plane (This movie has no poker face.)

10. Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married? (this title is self-serving, irritating and includes punctuation. If I die young, it will be from hating Tyler Perry .)

***After posting, another one came to me. I have a feeling this will happen for weeks to come.

11. Bride and Prejudice

12. Good Luck Chuck

13. Sister Act II: Back in the Habit

14. License to Wed

15. A Million to Juan

Friday, November 14, 2008

A Brunch-Worthy Protest

Another word from preasebrog's dear friend, Patrick James.
As anyone who doesn't live in Purdum, Nebraska knows, No on 8 protests are being held in all major cities tomorrow. Since we're on west coast time here in the bustling metropolis of LA, it begins at 10.30am. And what does that early start time entail?
Complimentary brunch on the buses that take the protesters from the infamous Abbey to City Hall. And like any good event, securing a seat on said transport requires reservations.

Moral of the story- Gays always do it better.
And bitchier.

God I Hate Everyone

The OED came out with a list of the top ten most irritating phrases in the English language. There really isn't much I can say here because if you don't involuntarily shudder and go blind reading this list then get the fuck off my blog :-)

1 - At the end of the day
2 - Fairly unique
3 - I personally
4 - At this moment in time
5 - With all due respect
6 - Absolutely
7 - It's a nightmare
8 - Shouldn't of
9 - 24/7
10 - It's not rocket science
Preasebrog (and contributing friends) would also like to add the following:
-For all intensive purposes
-What's good
-A whole nother
-If you will

(For a more comprehensive analysis of things shitty people say, I send you here )

Gansters and Strippers: My Night as Someone Else

Thanks to the questionable ethics of one Miss Lauren Schein, she scored free passes to the Hustler Club's 5th anniversary bash. Knowing that behind every good Jew stands a(n even better) Shiksa, she took me along for the ride.
I'd never been to a gentleman's club and given that we were on Baltimore St, I was surprised by how not-scared I was. I had visions of sitting on nasty chairs covered in unidentified subtances, but it turns out you can't sit down in strip clubs unless you pay. The paying-to-sit thing was an issue as I had sustained a foot injury, but I tried to remain unaware of both my swollen foot as well as the sea of genital peircings.
After I spent $26 on two shots, we decided it was time to find someone else to buy drinks. Note: getting men to buy clothed women drinks at a strip club is like... exactly as sad and impossible as it sounds. Add the gimp foot to the equation and we were this decade's Romy and Michelle.
Eventually we made our way upstairs and into a scene from Goodfellas, as Henry Hill was in attendance for some reason. He is short, old, and looks like he would beat the shit out of someone for fun. (which makes sense...because I hear gangsters do that sometimes.) We ordered drinks (NOT on our tab finally) and then he tried to sell us his wares (pastels of palm trees and glocks.) Being a firm believer that fronds and pistols always belong together when it comes to art, I considered buying one until he offered me a "deal" of $300. Thanks, Henry, but no thanks.
Mister Hill is not only a mob associate, pastel enthusiast and failed member of the witness-protection program...he is also an author of cookbooks. A self-proclaimed "rennaisance man," he offered me pearls of wisdom, familial anecdotes and endless amounts of bourbon.
Due to logistics, transportation and an alarmingly swollen right foot, our evening came to a close. I am now enthralled by strip clubs. There is no natural light, Miller Lites cost almost as much as a lap dance, women suspend themselves naked from the ceiling and, if you're lucky, you just might meet an ex-con.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The Humans Are Dead

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

"Jules" has probably already taken over my blog with his robot mind for posting his tyranical speech.


This child thinks I am 99.

Being the oldest of seven kids, I often wonder how they view me. I obviously didn't have older siblings (unless you count my parents...who are closer to me in age than the guitar hero posted here) so I sort of missed out on the sibling cushion my younger counterparts enjoy.

My youngest bro was born whilst I was in college, so it was always a concern of mine that he would think of me as an aunt, and not a sister. Luckily he rocks and we get to hang out often enough that he knows whats what. He's super smart and a total badass. His only weakness is his age (five) which we all use to our advantage whenever possible. (I recently convinced him we have a fourth sister named Lafonda who has 11 cats and lives "across town." My trusty family has been keeping that story alive in my absence which is fantastic.)

The point of all this, assuming I even have one, is that it is stange to be considered daily by a toddler. He recently saw a commercial targeted for old people and told my stepmom about it because he thought she, my sister and I could benefit from it, as the product was allegedly marketed for people "99 or older."

My greatest fascination with this story is wondering what the hell could possibly be marketed on TV for people that old. I'm also interested in the seven decades I've missed out on.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Don't Discrimin8


In a mildly ironic twist of fate, on Saturday I will be attending a wedding in Pittsburgh instead of rallying in Baltimore against the approval of Proposition 8. The link above has the information about the rally which will be held at the same time in all 50 states.
Go make history and support equality and the freedom of expression of love.
Brought to you by the Letter H and the Number 8.

Thursday, November 6, 2008



I couldn't get the video to upload on here (nor did I watch it with sound so I have no clue what they're discussing) but ANDERSON COOPER IS INTERVIEWING A FUCKING HOLOGRAM OF WILL.I.AM!!!!!!!
I'm proud to be a Jetson-American

Zach and Miri Make a Terrible Movie

I saw Zach and Miri Make a Porno last night. Actually, I only saw most of Zach and Miri Make a Porno last night because I got up in the middle of it and walked out. It was slow, predictable and- most offensively- not funny. The cast was stacked but the writing and directing sucked.

Kevin Smith needs to pull the lobotomy stick out of his frontal lobe and start making GOOD films again. (We were meant to be entertained by Paris Hilton jokes, angry-black-wife jokes, poop jokes...) He basically held up a broken mirror to all Judd Apatow movies and re-filmed what he saw. (Anyone remember the pissed-off Indian boss from 40 Year Old Virgin? He's back playing the same exact character, opposite Seth Rogen.)

The only redeeming part came early with "The Mac Guy" playing a gay porn star. Which is infuriating because the mac guy playing a gay porn star should have been the worst part and instead it was the only time i laughed.

I'll end my rant here because this brog isn't about anger or movie reviews. My only intention was to get a few things off my chest about this crappy movie and to implore all of you to save the ten bucks you would have wasted on Zach and Miri and instead send it to me as a gift for awesome brogging.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Celeb Shot

PreaseBrog is proud to present its first guest writer. An implant to LA, this guest has given us his recently-acquired West Coast wisdom as a launch pad for Love in a Liberal Land.

Prease enjoy.

How to Bag a Democrat Election Day 2008.

As I think about the long wait ahead of me at the local elementary school, a more pointed cogitation thrusts its way past my desire for a change in that most oblong of offices- how can I pull the lever for democracy while simultaneously pulling the lever for my love life? Listed below are a few sure-fire ways to ensnare a bleeding-heart liberal:

1. While waiting in line, read any book by any Comedy Central political comedian.

2. Avoid socially-charged fashion from both ends of the spectrum, i.e. fur, hemp shoes, etc…

3. Wear your best smarty (NOT to be confused with Palin) glasses.

4. If confronted by a Conservative hate monger, engage them gently, until it becomes appropriate to whip off above-mentioned smarty (again, no Alaskan influence here) glasses and use them as a prop in your well-formed liberal argument (giving an exasperated “It just makes me sad” look post confrontation can be a crucial addition).
5. Time the exit from your voting cubby with that of your benevolent paramour- find a way to start a conversation, perhaps with something like, “Sarah Palin’s hair will certainly be deflated after tonight,” or “I hope Johnny Boy took his heart pills today.”
You choose.

While these are not directions, they are guidelines. Feel free to add or subtract at will.

I thank Master Nolan for his contribution and urge you all to vote YES! to Amendment 7: Patrick James for Best Actor Oscar (or lover?) 2009.

Overheard in Baltimore

Lady A: "Yooooooooo I'm voting. Right now right now right now."
Lady B: "Voting votey vote vote."
Lady A: "I'm getting a burger and fries and I'm gonna stand in line and EAT IT."
Lady B: "Mmmmmm I KNOW that's right."
Lady A: Vote or die. Burgers and fries.
Totally irrelevant and possibly boring to my billions of loyal readers, but I enjoyed this little inner-city vingette today.

Erection 2008

Today I voted. Despite the 55 min average wait time in Maryland, I was in and out of Johnson Elementary school faster than I could say "NO" to
Proposition #2.

It was my first time actually voting (in 2004 I was in Connecticut and absinteed that shit) and I was surprised by how intrusive the process was. I always imagined secluded booths constructed of corrugated wood and canvas curtains. I imagined whipping my curtain shut, chosing my candidate and then pulling some sort of giant lever that would alert someone, somewhere, that Megan Isennock had fullfilled her democratic duty, maybe to the tune of R. Kelly's "I believe I can Fly."

Instead, I found myself standing in front of a computer screen that was loosley nestled between two "dividers." Directly behind me stood other constituants, impatiently waiting in their long Precinct 24 line. (I was 23, bitches.) They were so close to me that one sneezed and I swear I felt my hair move from the germy impact. I didn't really care who saw me cast which votes (although I will not disclose that information on these holy pages,) I just hated that everyone knew how long it took me to read, decipher, re-read and finally blindly decide which pieces of legislation I wanted to change.

I'm pretty excited for my I Voted! sticker and to find out who won.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Yours Truley,

I have a few funny (read: pathetic) notes from my childhood but none of them involve calling a hit out on some kid who's name I can't even spell. As the author so humbly pointed out to me, "there really isn't one un-noteworthy part about it."
My favorite part are the fabulous flowy "L's." I feel these really conveyed to Will the seriousness of getting the super soakers to "a kid" in the event of the author's untimely death.
Clearly, Micheal was in for some shit.

Patchwork President

This is brilliant.
And even though I usually love nothing more than to hear the sound of my fingers (which are now heavily bandaged from two hours of envelope-stuffing) typing, I think I've lost too much blood to give this the set-up it deserves.

Orympic Dreams

Apparently Michael Phelps got paid $100,000 dollars to swim laps during a party in LA.

The hosts must have been pleased with his work, because nothing says "Good Job" like a firm, open hand slap on the crotch tattoo.

Friday, October 24, 2008

It's True.

I was once arrested for light treason.

The Homeland Security Act prohibits me from further comment but I can say it involved Fidel, a moose, a skeet range and a "lost" episode of Punk'd.

I may look like I don't care, but I do. Lightly.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Not now, Sally. Mommy has a headache.

Today I recieved my first raise at work! I am now teetering dangerously on that fine line between poverty and being accountable for paying taxes.

I must admit, though my raise isn't terribly huge it is really great to get affirmation for the work I do.

My new goal is to make as much as Don Draper did. The flat rate he made in 1963 is about twice what I make per annum now...and I am certainly not taking inflation into consideration. Fuck, I can't even count that high. Which may explain the discrepency in our company vaule...

Oh Don, you win. You always do.


Thanks to the Maizlish family being so awesome that they BOUGHT Hanson tickets (and then subsequently -or foolishly- decided to stay in for the debates), I was able to bear witness to the concert of the year.

During my early teens, weekends were spent conducting "Polaroid Hanson Photo-Shoots." We would line up in front of our endless supply of posters and pose, hair in face, scowl in place. The great part was that between the grainy picture quality and the long dirty blonde hair, it was almost impossible to tell the difference between, say, Kaitlin Isennock and Zach Hanson.

(Kaitlin? Zach? What? Who?)

Sadly, things have changed. Kaitlin looks far less like a boy and Zach is now, like, a dude with a family a wife and chubby drummer arms. Taylor is still the hot one, Isaac is absolutely the Stephanie Tanner of the group and the rest of their siblings are still living in shame in their parents basement.

(Time has been good to you, Hanson.)

Anyboyband, I was incredibly excited to see this little nugget from the past. They are actually pretty great musicians and though they are uber-christian you don't really hear it in their songs. Also, Taylor totally said "DAMN" onstage and I checked and Jesus said "that shit ain't cool, man."

Maybe Hanson is more legit than we all thought.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008


Young cigar smoker at Baltimore Marathon - m4m - 29 (Raven's Stadium)

Date: 2008-10-11, 12:52PM EDT
About 11:45AM Saturday outside of Gate A Ravens stadium, sitting there smoking a cigar, shorts, white shirt, sunglasses, 5'oclock shadow, young guy - very handsome. Caught my eye and I nodded. Very nice to see another young cigar smoker in town. This isnt really a missed connection as we didnt really connect but definitely very handsome. Not expecting a reply back but just giving a shout out. What kind of hat were you wearing? Would love to grab a coffee and have a cigar with ya! What kind of cigar were you smoking. Love Excal #1s or 1066s here. Also enjoy pipes as well as cigars.
Location: Raven's Stadium

It is unfathomable for me to think that this post could have very well gone unnoticed; lost in the abyss that is Craigslist Missed Connections. I realize that I have, on occasion, written faux ads meant to provoke and titilate my friends eager to check back in with fate...but I do solemnly swear I DID NOT WRITE THIS. (Though I will admit it is taking a lot for me to not respond on behalf of our dear cigar-smoking friend.) I have never met anyone who ACTUALLY had someone take the time to reach out and post a plea to the gods of random intervention. The only unfortunate part is that our aforementioned stogie-smoker is more the type to answer to a w4m ad, and has no evident interest in m4m. or m-on-m.

I fear I will now spend a lot more time on missed connections... cheekily writing some, sure...but my real perogative will be to play a romantical watchdog: sitting at my desk, roaming the internets, looking for familiar descriptions on behalf of my friends who may have missed their chance at love.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

One is the Lonliest Number...

...which is why this blog requires two authors. In no particular order they are:

Maureen. Small. Spry. Spicy.

Megan. Askew. Aroused. Awake.

We welcome you to our newest endeavor. Seeing as this is the greatest procrastination tool to come out of the internets, I have to imagine there will be several bi-locational updates every day. Enjoy...assuming anyone is out there.