Tuesday, December 30, 2008


If this doesn't make you cry a little , you should get your Human Card revoked.

Ante Up

Monday, December 22, 2008

B. Virdot

This is a cool story from the NY Times:


Kind of sobering, but cool.

Christmas: Not Just for Wrapping Presents

Apparently, in these modern times most people tend to fornicate during the holiday season. Condom companies claim that their sales peak around Christmas, long weekends such as Memorial/Labor day and (oddly) Mother's day. Before the introduction of holidays, natural things like "light" and "weather" would affect copulation. Now we're so tuned into work and social lives that these annual reprieves have become both holidays and HOlidays...(get it?) Instead of feeling moved toward intimacy, couples feel forced or obligated because it is a "special" time of year.

So in 20 years when the next batch of kids is coming to fruition and they ask their parents about the occasion of their conception, they'll be pleased to know that their entire existence is based on Mom and Dad forcing a "'tis the season" quickie between strip malls on Black Friday.

It's Almost Christmas!

Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, fore-fleshing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol?

Friday, December 19, 2008

No, No, No, No, No

Apparently Baz Lurhmann bought the rights to make the next Great Gatsby movie. If he casts his mannequin muse Nicole Kidman as Daisy I will burn Australia to the ground.

And Long Island.

She is not young, she is not pretty, and she is not real.

Better Daisys include:

Zoe Deschanel
Taylor Hanson
Anna Paquin
Patrick Nolan
Phoebe Price
Kaitlin Isennock
The late Jennifergold Isennock
Tom Selleck

Step Aside, Turbaconducken

The PETA- approved alternative to fashionable fur.

Click here for a recipe that would make even this guy question God.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Boones Farm?

Or no...cherry Smirnoff.

I Found My Stigmatic Twin

Some baby in Colorado was busy being a baby and growing my stigmatic twin inside his head. My S.T developed a foot, intestines and other parts before it was cruelly yanked out by some podunk doctors.

It's a miracle I'm still alive.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Merry Christmas, Hon!

Tonight I'm going to do a drive-by in Hampden...TO LOOK AT THE MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET!!!

It's things like this that make me love love love Baltimore. As if Hampden wasn't crazy/scary/John Waters-y enough, an entire street is so devoted to Christmas and depleting the earth of its precious resources that it covers every available surface with Christmas lights. And Christmas Natty Boh cans. And Christmas tires. And Christmas garbage. And, most of all, Christmas Spirit.

I've never been a big Holiday Cheer kinda gal, but this year I'm feeling the stirrings of a little Yuletide Joy. I've listened to late 90's pop band holiday albums, decorated my house with lights and homemade wreaths and swatches and even got people some presents that I didn't purchase intending to keep them for myself.

Tonight when I'm invited into people's homes to take a look at their K-Mart Christmas trees and toothless grins I will dig down deep- -past the cynical bitch; past the corner-cutting gift giver and even past the blatant materialist-- and I will try to truly embrace the spirit of the holiday.

I will also ask where the fuck this Elf Diner is and how to get there.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

He's So Limey

I recently saw an interview of Hugh Laurie speaking in his native British tongue... and I was unsettled. That bears no relevance to this blurb as he doesn't talk in this ad, but you can see- you know, visually- how far his acting talent has come.

Greg House can take Polaroids of me in front of fake flowers anytime. Even in the 80's.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Because This Makes Sense...

I only recently found out I enjoy ice hockey, but it seems actress Elisha Cuthbert has known her feelings about it for some time. Apparently she is the ice-village bicycle, and when her ex-boyfriend/Dallas Stars player Sean Avery referred to her as "sloppy seconds," he got fired from the team.

This is hockey. Not fucking croquet (although I've borne witness to more than a few off-color remarks out on the links of Ruxton...). This is a game where peoples blood gets scraped out of the ice and there is an actual time-out chair. Hockey is popular because it can get violent and crude. Maybe Sean Avery shouldn't have made the comments he did, but in a sport where punching someone in the face is punishable only by a two-minute break, can the NHL not put a bitter comment into perspective?

Friday, December 12, 2008

Sonic's Lazy "Uncle"

This has got to be Sonic's moms new boyfriend. He's lazy and silly and floats in dirty bathwater all day. He gets flipped onto his back at the 1:10 mark, and immediately puts on his best "playing dead" face and just bumps and floats around the tub for a solid 4 minutes.

Sonic's mom was nowhere to be seen because she was out buying a new frock from Dress Barn and a sixer of Pabsts for their date night. "Uncle" Hedgehog was trying to get the Boones Farm and Cheeto stains out of his fur for the occasion but forgot and took a nap.

I wish I were a whitetrash hedgehog.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Jayden: 1, Sean Preston: 0

Britney Spears made a Christmas Greeting Video in front of an oversized tree from Sears in someone elses foyer.

I dig it how she only acknowledges one of her sons. She drops the others hand to start awkwardly cooing to the one she likes, but messes up and mumbles what sounds like the wrong name. It's okay, y'all! She'll git it reeeeeal soon.

I also like how she neglects to wish seasons greetings to the Jews and those who celebrate Kwanzaa/Boxing Day. Christians Rock!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Turn it Off, Man!

I swore I'd never do this, but I've been neglecting my duties here. I've been in and out of training sessions and, to quote a legend, it's sucking my will to live.

I pinkie swear I'll return from planet Win/WebGui by the end of the week.

I Guess It's F.B.O now...

Monday, December 8, 2008

Bring Your Green Hat!

I found this list of the best Will Ferrell skits and had to post it. I realize that his career has turned into a long, painful one-note string (D minor, I believe) but he really is funny. I tried to find his SNL audition tape but it appears to be hiding from me. (If you want to see comedic genius, buy The Best of Will Ferrell on DVD and check out his impersonation of a business-man-turned-cat.)

I implore you to watch the Old Prospector, Get off the Shed, Robert Goulet and Harry Carrey...you'll laugh, you'll cry... you'll wonder why Blades of Glory exists.

(PS...if you don't like Elf than I don't like you.)

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

W Seeking R.M

This story (blog entry?) from the Daily Beast has inspired me. I'm not really sure why I should schlep through life with my dismal paycheck and Target wardrobe when I could be dashing off to Paris and enjoying spa weekends.

Other benefits include a non-committal relationship based on a mutual agreement that work/friends/everything else comes before each other; you'll get a GREAT reference letter out of it; no rent-no bills-free car; and if you play your cards right, you can bag a smart rich guy. Which will give you plenty of things to talk about while you're...I dunno... taking the ol' Leer Jet out for a spin. (dammit I just talked myself into it)

Ahh, the Sugar Daddy. The world can be yours for just one soul! Act now though...with the flailing economy and that pesky recession you could miss your chance!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Accounts Payable

Hey preasers...me and my can of pepper spray have been whisked away to beautiful East Baltimore for the day. I'm taking classes with such promising names as "Online Payment Requests" and "Travel Reimbursement Request," so I've been neglecting le brog. I've provided a visual interpretation of my excitement about being here today.
--I should go...we're moving on to Win-GUI interfaces and Chinese water tourture. I'll be back tomorrow, providing Boredom and Bullets choose to let me see another day.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Bowie's In Space

Astrology is always a good time. Go to this link to find your rising suns and planets and descending pop icons and fashion statements.

The foxy lady who sent me this link received a dead-on description of herself. Mine was close-ish, but I think it's only fair to grant a margin of error because I go through so many ch-ch-changes.

Like a China Girl.

Just you shut your mouth.

A List

As I've mentioned before, much like the Big Guy, I'm a gigantic fan of lists.

I found this one today. It's Details list of the most powerful 40 men/entities of 2008.

Here is another list link. This man creates lists that are each 11 entries long. Seeing as 11 is my favorite number, and lists are me and Santa's favorite way to keep track of things (like bitches, ho's, liars and cookie theives), I like this blog.


One year for Easter I was given a VHS of Mousercise. I was probably eight, and took immediate offense to the gift; Easter is for hard boiled eggs and jelly beans, not creepy exercising rodents and coked-out instructors. Despite the blow to my little fat kid ego, I accepted the gift and went to the basement to check out the tape.

After pushing all the furniture and toys out of my way for optimal movement, I hit play and started my warm up. I didn't get very far into the tape- I just remember sitting down and watching it like a movie. I'd thrown in a random arm thrust and occasionally remember to keep my head up and buttocks tight, but I was fascinated by the kids in the tape.

How did they get to be on this tape?? I imagined that their moms were friends with Kellyn, the instructor, but knowing now how fucked up Disney is, these kids were probably cryogenically frozen and then thawed out for the duration of filming. I always thought the girl in front was a bitch, and possibly an equine enthusiast, and I always felt especially compassionate toward the chubby, un-coordinated red-faced girl in the back. Her sweatshirt was tragic, she obviously didn't rehearse and she most certainly didn't give a shit about checking her heart rate after a few intense reps of side stepping. She was the Isaac Hanson among a fleet of Taylors, and for that, I loved her.

I advise you to watch the tape for its 80's nastiness... it's pretty fantastic. If you're feeling wild, hop up and let Kellyn lead you to a tighter bod...if you're feeling nostalgic, let yourself tumble head first into Mousercise memories...and if you're feeling smug, go ahead and judge the hell out of those sad little test tube kids in unitards.