Friday, January 9, 2009


There are some pretty crap movies out there. I don't want to name names (im talking to YOU Indiana Jones 4 and Legend) but sometimes movies get so bad that you don't even want to keep watching for "holy shit this movie's terrible lets laugh and make fun of it" purposes.

A primo example of this is the 2005 ass hat bomb Elizabethtown. Starring Orlando Bloom and Kirsten Dunst, the movie follows the main character Drew as he epically fails at his job causing his shoe company to lose one BILLION dollars. That same day his dad dies, and after ALSO failing at the worlds lamest suicide attempt he finds himself on a plane to (you guessed it) Elizabethtown, KY for the funeral.

Enter Kirsten. She plays a spunky, irresistible flight attendant with a wealth of deep, important one-liners. The two swap numbers, thus propelling their relationship into a long-distance, VERY short friendmance. Will they fall in love? Will she save him from himself? Will he finally see what's right in front of him?

Who gives a shit.

Because I had to suffer though it, I'll share with you some of the superb Cameron Crowe writing that made Elizabethtown sparkle and shimmer before our eyes.

Claire Colburn: I'm impossible to forget, but I'm hard to remember. (uhhhh what?)

Claire Colburn: I'm one of a kind. (buuut you just said...ok sure nevermind.)

Claire Colburn: Men see things in a box, and women see them in a round room. (I won't even touch that one)

Claire Colburn: I think I've been asleep most of my life.
Drew Baylor: Me too.

Claire Colburn: I don't know a lot about everything, but I do know a lot about the part of everything that I know, which is people.

Drew Baylor: Can you imagine an entire life wrapped up in a shoe? (BAHAHAHAHHAHAHA)

Claire Colburn: Sadness is easier because its surrender. I say make time to dance alone with one hand waving free. (It's like she can read my thoughts...)

Claire Colburn: Life cannot be so cruel that we don't deserve to be together... to eat. (poetic. compelling and rich.)

And my favorite:

Claire Colburn: I'm going to miss your lips. And everything attached to them.

I realize I can be cynical and that sappy movies aren't my favorite but come on. In case you haven't born witness to this travesty, the way that the Drew character tries to off himself is ludicrous. He tapes a butchers knife to an exercise bike thing and tries to stab himself to death.
What a turd. Anyway, the movie ends with Claire sending her sort-of-but-not-really-new-boyfriend on a soul-searching cross-country drive with his dads ashes, which he illegally spreads all over the place. Within the most elaborate scrapbook imaginable, she times his trip perfectly (because I guess she knows a lot about people and telling the future) and at one of the asinine places on her freakshow map- the worlds second biggest flea market-she plants little clues all over and he finds her in her little red hat and they kiss and the end.


Maureen said...

What is the movie where a ruffled Englishman says, "Allow myself to introduce--myself..."?

Meg said...

are you joking? dont compare austin powers to this garbage bin please.

Anonymous said...

This is the best movie review I've read in years. Who gives a shit? Not me.

terence sullivan said...

you are my celebrity brogger hero

alex said...

just throwing this out there, you should give 'Legend' another shot, even if only for the sweet synth score by Tangerine Dream.