Re-Fried beans

A short play. (Inspired by a conversation with Her Majesty L.E. Krajewski)
Scene: Two Ladies Lunching.

Mrs. Jamestown
Coffee makes me sick so I have to drink tea. It’s like ordering bacon-wrapped filet mingon and getting a veggie burger!

Mrs. Clarion
Mmm. Mmhmm. Tea is coffee's poetry-award-winning, honor-student, Swarthmore-attending, fake monocle-wearing older brother.

Mrs. Jamestown
Well, then certainly Coffee is tea's fun-loving sexy bitch of a little brother whom everyone loves but Tea just doesn't see why.

Mrs. Clarion
Oh, to be sure, to be sure.

Mrs. Jamestown
And I suppose that would make Sanka Tea and Coffee's red headed, candy-corn toothed, psoriasis-having step brother?

Mrs. Clarion
Indeed, which means Frappacinno is coffee's chubby-but-designer-wearing, sassy gay cousin who moved to LA midway through community college.

Mrs. Jamestown
You may be on to something there, Mrs. Clarion. Would you say that Starbucks is Coffee and Tea’s over-paid, long-haired bitter agent who charges too much and cares too little?

Mrs. Clarion
By George, Mrs. Jamestown, I would! And would you, in turn agree that Starbucks' Reduced-Fat Banana Cake is Coffee's drunken hook up, who’s good in the sack but is otherwise his I-swear-I’m-not-anorexic, wants-to-be-everything-to-everyone, needy and emotionally dependent ex-girlfriend?

Mrs. Jamestown
A thousand times Yes! But if all of this is true, then by transitive property, Venti Peppermint-Spiced Extra-Whip Whole Milk Chai Latte with Red and Green Sprinkles and Four Sugars is Coffee's over-festive and portly aunt who comes to Christmas with her Chihuahua, her ugly-sweaters-with-bells- collection, her vibrator and her tears.

Mrs. Clarion
A mathematical certainty! Hahahahah her vibrator and her tears. Lets go get a croissant.

Fin.